the story of His Balls

king nikolas

was the king of a small villege

in africa

and one day

a strange man came to his kingdom

and he was wearing strange furs

and shiny jewles

and the man said

i want to see the king of your tribe

and they took him to king nikolas

and the stranger said

i have with me the greatest spear in all the lands

it will pierce the flesh of any beast

or any man

Whoa!

whom you deem your enema

and he said

(Eww.)

what

?

whom you deem your enema

...

You said it, not me!

But carry on.

then the stranger said

i will demonstrate of this

wildebeest

that is over there

and he threw the spear upon the wildebeest

and he pierced the thing

and then he cut it ip

and butchered it

and then

the hung it up to dry

in the sun

and king nikolas said

what do you want

for the spear

and he said you must give me

twenty virgins

from your tribe

and king nikolas did that

and he took the spear

and the was very excited

and he went out to the hunt

and he killed many warthogs

and he became prideful

and haughty

and then

he saw a bug

*big

ostritich

and he said

this is my chance

to finallly take down

that ostirch

and he took his spear and he threw

Finally!

with all his mite

Man, I hate that ostrich.

So cocky!

...

what

All preening and strutting around all the time.

About time I finally got around to killing it!

and he said

this is my chance

to finallly take down

...

that ostirch

that ostirch

(But carry on.)

(I'm expecting some Greek tragedy, here!)

(The ostrich is actually my wife, or my son, or my brother, or my father.)

...

(Or all of the above.)

...

(Well, probably not all of the above.)

well

anyway

the spear flew thru the air

but before it came to the

ostrich

it fell from the air

and shattered

into a milion poeces

on the ground

and king nikolas was enraged

he said

that lout

he sold me what a defecteive spear

i will hang him fhlesh

for that

and he ran back to his village

Wait, it just exploded in midair?

Man, I'd pay extra for a spear like that!

...

Man.

(Also, is this an allegory?)

maybe

Nice.

(what)

For my laptop-woes!

o yea

i guess

See, my laptop also exploded into a million pieces.

After I paid twenty virgins for it.

Metaphorically.

...

so he ran back to

his villege

and he gathered

10 myrmidons

and

10 mercenaries

Excellent!

what

Myrmidons!

...

alo

othen he found the scoundrel

at another village

and he said

you crook

you theif

how dare you sell me such

a spear

and the stranger said

plese king nikolas

allow me to explain

you see

when you threw the spear

at the ostrich

it was actually

me

in my true form

i had to use my magic

to break the spear

king nikolas was astoniched

he said

you must deliver unto me

a spear of the same might

as the one

that you gave me

before

and the ostrich man said

king nikolas

i must tell you

that the spear i gave you

was not imbued with the holy magick

for it was

that you believed in it

and yourself

that gave you the might

to slay the wart hog

it was a spear of the most ordinary sort

and king nikolas was much surporsed

I'm pretty sure that still makes him a scoundrel, though.

...

what

Well, if he sold me an ordinary spear for 20 virgins.

Sorry -

"a spear of the most ordinary sort".

man

Man?

how else is he gonna get laid

The scoundrel-dude?

It is true that King Nikolas had many virgins.

You're saying he's a sort of Robin Hood!

Taking from the rich, and giving to... himself.

ok fine

look

so then

king nikolas went back

to his village

and he used the spear technique

to train his myrmidons

and mercenaries

and he became the most powerful

No, I'm not complaining!

army

and then

I'm just trying to make this a sort of collaborative effort.

Show that I'm listening, eh?

huh

how off

Or... reading.

*odd

also

then

the stranger

smiled to himseld

and laughed

and the took out the satchel that was attached

to his loin

and he unrolled his penis

and threw it over his shoulder

and he went back home

in a magic way

taking his virgins with him