League of Desmond

Monday, June 18, 2007

Awakening VIII

So, here I am; in a corridor outside reality itself, the only route of escape a vertical tunnel fifteen feet above the ground. I have, in my possession, my clothes, $10.27 in stolen money, a key that can open any lock, a great big metal rod, a nearly-depleted roll of duct tape, a pair of scissors, and a lockbox holding a device that vaporizes inanimate objects and sheaths living things in a burning-hot energy-shield.

I'm quite a sight, I imagine.

So how to climb those fifteen feet up? I go to the bunk room and look at the tunnel. After a moment of thought, I grab hold of a bunk bed (not the one I wrecked) and push it underneath the tunnel. I climb on top and reach.

It's still ten feet up. I can't reach quite that far.

I go back to the cavern of the giant. The robed men still stand there, immobilized in fields of sparkling red-and-white energy. I stare into the closest one's face. Even up close, the energy blocks a clear view. Mysterious even while trapped. And I can't touch them; my fingers or my clothes would burn equally well... but will metal? I take out the rod used to open the daimone's vault; on consideration, I wrap the end in my shirt before gripping it, to avoid worse injury than the blisters I've already suffered. Gingerly, I touch the rod to a robed figure. My shirt grows hot in my hands, but... the metal remains intact. It doesn't even glow!

I may have found a solution.

I begin experimenting; the figures are easily pushed around once they start moving, gliding across the floor smoothly. I nearly get hurt when one of them bounces off a wall and comes back at me faster than expected. As a plan forms in my mind, I push them all, one by one, into the bunk room, shoving them into a large pile in the center of the room. I look at the pile nervously; it's about nine feet high, robed figures piled about in a most undignified manner, and
I know that they won't give much traction. Reluctantly, I begin shedding my heavier and more awkward items; the metal rod (too big) and the scissors (too likely to end up poking me in the side at a bad moment - why did I ever pick those up, anyway?). On consideration, I use the last of the duct tape to fasten the lockbox and giant's key on safely, and toss the roll away. I look at the pile again.

Then I charge up the pile of energy-enshrouded bodies, running as fast as I can with the heap beginning to shift beneath me and my soles growing very, very hot. At the top, I jump the best jump I've ever made; slamming into the bars of the ladder and somehow managing to keep my grip. Beneath me, the pile is collapsing, spreading across the floor. From the feel of them, I suspect that my shoes have a number of holes in them, burnt by the heat.

I hope that I don't have to release the daimone after all. If it was hard getting down before... that mess below would give me quite a warm welcome.

As I climb, I wonder. I've lost my duct tape, opened the lockbox, gotten a bit of cash and a full meal... and a lot of knowledge about just what this place is, what they're trying to do here... what sort of things they can do. (Though I still don't know who they are.) Now I have a choice to make. I can try to escape - with a key that opens any lock, a weapon of immense power in the lockbox, and the exact knowledge of where they imprisoned Rebecca, my girlfriend, it should be easy. Or I can try a harder task - to free all the captives, and ensure that they (again, whoever they are) are stopped, from imprisoning innocents, summoning daimones, and otherwise causing havoc.

Sounds quite melodramatic, doesn't it?

Nevertheless. I've nearly gotten to the top of the tunnel. What now?

What now, indeed?

Awakening, Part One: Fin.

Sunday, June 17, 2007

The Chronicles of Desmond, Chapter 75: The Great Film

Yea, behold, it be true, that in the goode provynces of Isse-Lande, yea, there werre indeede a greate meeting of the myndes, yea, 'tis most verily true that the Ratte-Kinge, and the Isse-landick councilles, they didde meeteth in the greate towne halles, and yea, they didde prodeuceth the most wonderfulle and brilliante fylme that ever didde been spauneth from the depths of myndes. And now, it beckometh my greate taske to detayle thisse magnificsent ackomplishmente herre, in great detayle and veracity.

And it came to pass, that one verry fyne daye, in the Regiouns and principalities of Isse-lande, it wausse indeede decided that there should be one greate fylme, yea, that would entayle the greate history of the Regions, and of the Isse-landick kronnikles, yea, and the Ratte-Kinge didde dispatch manie messages from hisse most excellent scroll repositorie, yea, they werre indeed launched greatly at the Isse-Lande castle, and the grande councille didde reade upon it, and they didde establishe that it was worthie, and goode, and howevere, the goode King Kessler didde fynde faultes with it, but it came to pass, that he didde propose manie amendments, and yea, he didde dismyss manie aspeckts of the Ratte-Kinge's scripte as apocryphal, and yea, there was muche heated debates, and it wausse goode.

Then it came to pass that the scrpit wausse indeede revised greatly, and yea, it was much loved and enjoyed by the populaces, and yea, it wausse goode. So thusse, the Ratte-Kinge didde invyte the masses to come to the most noble Manor and Castle of the Rattes, and they didde come, and yea, the first fylmingge meeting was established.

And yea, at this meetinge, there wausse indeed much in the waye of provysions, and vittles, and beverages, and yea, there was the consumption of the essence of Sir Strawberrie, and it wausse much enjoyed by the noubles, and yea, it wausse goode. Howevere, the Ratte-Kinge, beinge unprepayred for the sheer grandeure of the fylmminge, yea, he didde manage to miscalculate many aspeckts, and it wausse goode. For example, on severale ockassions, the most excellent Fylm-Camerra didde not posess sufficient energie to powere the capturing of the Actiouns, and the noubles didde often beckme distrackted by the manie magical amusements that the Ratte-Castle didde provyde, and the Ratte-Kinge, beckominge angrie thate the noubles were not wourking to hisse specifcations, didde launch in to mad fits, and yea, he didde execute manie peoples, and it wausse goode.

And on the Second daye, yea, there wausse in the manner on manie Womens that the Ratte-Kinge didde provyde for the amusement of the noubles, and yea, they werre indeede the concubines of the Ratte-Kinge's youngerre brothere, yea, the Womons didde come and entertaint the noubles with manie manners of dancings and songs, and they didde enjoye this, and it wausse goode.

And then it came to pass that the year for the Royale Ackadamie didde come to its conclusione, and yea, the noubles were nowe readie to commence the majour fylming evente, in which there were indeede a great addition to the amount of magick amusementes that the Ratte-Castle had to offere, augmented by the wonderfulle additions of the nouble's own colletcions, and yea, there was massive consumption of the vittles, and there were wheat-based snackes, and yea, the concubuines of the Ratte-Prince were verily there, and yea, they were indeede unclothed, and yea they didde indeede performe many bizzare dances for the gentlelmente, and it wausse goode.

And yea, at last, the greate fylme was complete, and yea, it rocked the Earthe, and it wausse indeed verie verie goode.

Awakening VII

I rise slowly, a little shaky after the blast. I look down at myself; I am, miraculously, unharmed. The lockbox rests open in my hand, the switch now open. I look at it for a moment, and then close it very, very carefully.

The room around me is scarred and blackened by the device in the lockbox. The piles of gold and gems are fused together into one gigantic, useless heap - the chests and paper money are nothing but ash. Looking at the door to the giant's cavern, I expect to see more ash where the robed figures stood - but no! There they stand, frozen in place, surrounded by some sort of red-and-white energy. I look at them, put my hand near one of them - there's no perceptible heat - and then touch it. With a pained shout, I withdraw my hand immediately. Looking at it, I can already see a blister forming.

I look at the robed figures further. Tenatively, I take off my robe and throw it on one of them. Smoke begins to rise; then the robe bursts into flame. I decline to experiment further and walk back to the corridor beyond the giant's cavern.

No-one is about. Seemingly, all the inhabitants of this cavern were in pursuit of me when I used the device. I look around the corridor. I already searched all the rooms... except the dining hall, which was occupied at the time. Entering it, I find it deserted as the rest of this place - did the giant call it a 'bubble outside reality?' There's food about, but I'm still full from the bag lunch - besides, I'm not that much of a hamburger fan. Behind the counter is the most interesting thing in the room - a great big metal bar. I look at it, and decide to take it with me. It's a bit heavy, but a metal rod is a useful thing to have.

On leaving the dining hall, I look at the door at the end of the corridor - with the metal wheel and metal plating - and realize what the rod must have been kept there for. I take it and begin turning the wheel, not without difficulty. Slowly, two plates slide back from the centre of the door, and a key-hole presents itself. I take the giant's key, slide it in, and turn it. The entire door at once falls into the floor. Immediately, I am greeted with hopeful cries: "Oh, thank goodness, someone other than those robed monsters! Please, you must help me!"

I take a moment to get my bearings. The room beyond the vault door is fairly large and circular. Strange equipment (some of it resembling telescopes, or perhaps microscopes) is spaced around the circular cage in the centre of the room - the sole occupant of which, a very attractive girl, is currently plastered across the bars, looking at me pleadingly. "They've taken me here and locked me in for days. They haven't even given me food!" the girl said as I walked closer. "I don't know what they're going to do to me, but I'm afraid to find out! Please, just unlock the cage door, and we can escape this horrible place!"

I have my hand on the giant's key and am about to do just that - and then I remember something. The giant said to me, And then they took this daimone and locked it safely behind steel and ritual... I wonder. Where would a demon be kept, except here? The girl - or 'daimone', perhaps - does not recognize the expression on my face. "Please! What are you waiting for? Those men could return at any minute!

With the state I left them in, I doubt that - though the worry now comes to me that the red-and-white energy might disappear unexpectedly. I push it aside - I can always use the device again, if it comes to that. I have the time to do some testing. I tell the girl - daimone? - "You're a daimone. What will you give me for freeing you?"

The daimone sighs aloud at the failure of her (?) ploy and leans back from the bars, coincidentally giving me a very distracting view. "Even if I'm no human, what I said still holds true. Once you free me, I will help you escape. And I can help in... other ways," the daimone said, flexing suggestively. "Here's one," she said, reaching out with one finger to just within the bars. Nervously, I touched it.

I scream in agony - this is not a good day for my hands - and fall back to the floor, probably bruising myself in several places - but the damage is done. The robed figures charge, knocking my girlfriend and I down - and out. When I awaken, I am bound hand and foot - my girlfriend much the same, next to me. I am in - a throne room? It's huge - over two dozen robed men standing to each side of a great throne, richly decorated, gold and jewels everywhere. (Where does the money come from?, a part of me thinks. What? I'm tied up by strange men, and I'm thinking about the decoration?) The man on the throne - dressed in a business suit! - points at me accusingly. "You came too far, and saw too much. You are not the first, and you will not be the last - but this will be your last trespass." To a man to his right, he says: "Take them to the Cells of Forgetting - double the dose for the first seventy-two hours, as usual." As I am dragged away, he has already forgotten me - not much of a personal touch, there. (Why do I keep thinking about these little details? I'm being dragged off the cells, for God only knows how long! What's going on?) My captors drag me back the way I came, through several turns - I try to memorize the route - and back past the same heart. (It's rather distinctive.) I see my girlfriend tossed into a cell. I'm next. The door opens, and I'm flung in, sprawling on the floor.

Then- nothing. Blackness.

I awaken. The daimone watches me. "See? I restored your memory, just like that. You can remember everything now, right?" It's true. I remember my girlfriend's name, now - Rebecca - my house, my parents, my life. Everything. Whatever they did to me in the Cells of Forgetting, it's gone now. The daimone continues, "I'll do much, much more for you once you release me from this cell." She doesn't need to say anything more about... herself... her whole body does that for her.

I am very, very tempted - in both senses. I'm still not certain how I'll get out of here, since the way I got into this 'bubble outside reality' doesn't really work the other way. (Falling tends to be like that.) And... well. I ask the daimone one last question: "If I do release you, how could I be sure that you won't just kill me and leave on your own?"

The daimone laughs. "You have whatever you used to deal with the, the robed men, right? Whatever you used on them will be more than enough to destroy me - they captured me in the first place, after all. Besides," she asks, "Why would I hurt you after you free me?"

The daimone's appearance isn't quite enough to make me forget the giant's cautions. They summoned a great daimone - a creature of tremendous strength, and greater malice. With horrible sacrifice, they bound it tightly... If the giant was telling the truth - and after he transcended reality itself with purity, I'm willing to bet that he was - this daimone would not only be willing to kill me after I freed it, but very able to do so, unless I was able to muster some 'horrible sacrifice' to match the robed men's.

Still with no little doubt, I turn away from the daimone and begin walking back towards the bunk room. There has to be some way out!

The daimone calls cheerily, "I'll still be here when you decide to free me!"

I leave the vault door open behind me.

Nikoals the Wanderer

Nikolasuad was bourne in a smalle towne in the farre easte, where there wausse indeede a greate famyne, and there wasue a courne, and nikolas did go into the cayve to fetche itte, and the towne rejoicces, and yea, it wausse goode.

And they sang a song of nikolas:

Nikolas wausse a sillie little fellowe

and he lyved in the foreste amonge

the nymphes and the sprytes, and the elfes

and he often pransed arounde the trees

which wausse where he fertylysed them

with his bodilie fluides

and yea it wausse goode

Friday, June 15, 2007

breve

From the website:
"breve is a free, open-source software package which makes it easy to build 3D simulations of decentralized systems and artificial life. Users define the behaviors of agents in a 3D world and observe how they interact. breve includes physical simulation and collision detection so you can simulate realistic creatures, and an OpenGL display engine so you can visualize your simulated worlds."

Also:

"breveCreatures is a screensaver that simulates the evolution of virtual creatures in a physically simulated 3D world. Beginning initially with random creatures, the screensaver uses a genetic algorithm to develop creatures capable of realistic locomotion behaviors."

In the West

He leaned backwards, neatly dodging a fist swung his way, and then returned the favor, compensating for his opponent's movement and knocking him down cleanly. He was quite fit; but then, few men of the West were not, in those days. Another man attempted to hit him - Jack, that is, our Western brawler - with a chair. Jack's dodge this time only partially succeeded, and he was knocked back on the floor with a painful bruise developing on his chest. Jack, thinking quickly, kicked the table onto the chair-wielder, knocking both him and Jack's other opponent back onto their backs. Jack rose to his feet and, before either of his opponents could rise again, kicked them in the family jewels with his boots until they showed no further signs of movement. As Jack turned towards the door, having dealt with the goons quite thoroughly, the bartender coughed delicately. Jack turned back to the bar, flipped his two remaining dollar coins to the bartender (who appeared satisfied with their value), and left the saloon slightly more bruised and significantly poorer than he'd entered.

It didn't matter to Jack, of course. As he mounted his horse, giving the stableboy his last nickel for watching the horse for him, Jack paid no particular heed to where his money was going. He wouldn't have anything or anyone to use the money on after today, after all. No one knew Jack, cantering off on his grey mare. No one even knew Jack Flannery's last name, after his mother died in prison of the whooping cough.

Before the brawl, Jack had managed to learn something quite useful from the goons; the location of their former employer, a banking executive out in the West to consider expanding operations to cover the lucrative cattle drive. The goons had been retained for guard duty temporarily, until the guards that the bank itself retained arrived from the East; these guards, and the method of their circumvention, being the current subject of Jack's thoughts.

Jack arrived at his destination after an hour or so of easy riding, Jack being careful not to tire his horse. Ahead of him was the growing town of Abiline, the meeting point of one of the great cattle drive trails of the West and the railroad lines of the East. More specifically, directly ahead of him was the building the banking executive had rented for his residence in the city; presently guarded by eight well-trained mercenaries, four out front with the horses, two just beyond the doors (visible in the windows), and two lounging on the balcony. They were joking and drinking together, but Jack saw them watch him carefully as he approached.

Jack took a deep breath, and then urged his horse into a gallop as he passed the mercenaries, and snatched the hat of the most flamboyant-looking mercenary's head. With cries of indignation, the four mercenaries out front quickly mounted their horses and pursued Jack, leaving only half their number to guard the banker.

Jack was a decent rider; being out in the West for five years tends to teach certain skills, among them also strength, endurance, skill with cards (both legitimate and not), and marksmanship. In that time, Jack had been honing all of those extensively, and while he possessed little of any of those when he came out from the East, now he had some fair portion of all; enough to lead the mercenaries for two long minutes, praying that they would not open fire; enough to make his horse appear to tire as Jack slowed and the mercenaries slowed; enough to conceal Jack's drawing his revolver as he urged his horse to turn, and enough to shoot every one of his pursuers dead as they were caught by surprise with his turn, before any one of them got their gun out of their holster.

Jack knew he had to move quickly now; the die was cast, and he was committed to win or die. He led the horses into a dark alley, and stripped one of the mercenaries of vest, pants, and less-distinctive hat, and then put them on himself, if not without some measure of disgust. The rest of the mercenaries he tied on their horses with rope that he'd kept on his person for the occasion, and then, tying the horses together in a line, urged them to a canter back towards the banker.

When Jack came to the corner behind the banker's house, he took another breath (immediately coughing as quietly as he could from the odor of the mercenary's vest), and then urged all the horses into a gallop. The mercenaries in the building were fooled only for a moment by the grisly ruse, but again, it was enough. Before any of them fired a shot, Jack had already downed both of the mercenaries in the house (one killed, one merely wounded), and the two mercenaries on the balcony, exposed as they were, followed swiftly into death. The last mercenary, walked out with his hands up, bleeding from the shoulder. Jack let him go; his quarrel lay elsewhere.

What was Jack's quarrel? Jack didn't think on it as he entered the house; he'd already put down his thoughts on the lending practices that had put his family in debtor's prison, killed his mother by disease incurred through the filthy living conditions in the prison, and led his father to kill Jack's sister, and then himself. He'd already written all of that down on the piece of paper pinned just under his shirt. No; Jack was here to kill the man he held responsible for his family's death; currently cowering behind a chair.

Well, no, not cowering; drawing a shotgun from beneath a table and opening fire as Jack ducked back onto the staircase he'd just climbed. A most prepared banking executive.

Jack thought frantically as he heard footsteps draw closer; not only would a blast from that shotgun end his mission (and his life) rather abruptly, it would also shred his carefully prepared note. Then another blast roared out, blowing a hole through the wall just a half-inch above short Jack's head. Jack ran down the staircase, nearly spraining his right ankle and just barely managing to get out of the way before the banker finished reloading and blew a hole in the floor where Jack had just been.

A lightbulb lit, metaphorically. Jack leaned out into the stairwell, gun first, and then jerked back without firing a shot as another blast roared past. He leaned back and fired three times smoothly as the banker struggled to reload. A shotgun, after all, has only two barrels.

Jack walked up the stairs once more and looked at the banker's corpse. He felt satisfied. He knew that, in some ways, the banker's actions were just a symptom of the environment in which he lived; that a hundred other bankers had done the same things or worse; that his actions were unlikely to make a great difference, in the long term; that a new banker would replace the one he'd killed faster than blinking. Jack didn't really care. He'd killed the man who'd killed his family. He might not have destroyed the socioeconomic mechanisms that could be seen as causing his family's downfall; but sometimes that's not really the right thing to do.

Now: a choice of two endings! It's like a Choose-Your-Own-Adventure, but less so.

ENDING ONE:
Jack took the note out of his shirt, checked it over once carefully, and then pinned it back on his shirt, laying it down onto the banker's gory chest. He didn't want it to get stained, after all the work he'd put into getting it here. Jack hefted the revolver in his hand, then dropped it, picked up the shotgun, loaded it and walked several steps away from the banker (to avoid stains), and, as the sheriff pounded up to the door (too little, too late!), Jack blew out his brains.

ENDING TWO:
Jack took the note out of his shirt, checked it over once carefully, and then pinned it back on his shirt, laying it down onto the banker's gory chest. He didn't want it to get stained, after all the work he'd put into getting it here. Jack hefted the revolver in his hand, as the sheriff pounded up to the door (too little, too late!); then dropped it on the floor, and walked down the stairs with his arms held high. He knew that he'd be arrested; that he'd likely hang for what he'd done; but he didn't care. Sometimes, life's not about likelihood, or about socioeconomic causes, or 'the long run.' Sometimes, life's just about living.

Niuklase

Niuklase was a poor man
Who lived in a
Small cottage by the lake
Where mists swirled by
And broke through
The rafters of the dwelling
Though on some days
The sun shone upon the
Grass and reflected
Beams of light came through
And flew in Niuklase's window
And all knew he was among
The greatest fishermen that
did live in the county
So one day when the
streams bubbled and the fish
leapt and sailed through
the air and catched the sun's
rays, Niuklase did go and
take his net
and his poles
and his bait-fishes
and he did go in to the
streams
he dived head first
and saw mauntains
of streaming fish
cod
majestic
and living
in a terribly wonderful
and glimmering
shoal
and he did cast his net
but something happened
on that day
Nikoulas turned into a
cat man
and once saw
the grace
of
the cod

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Awakening VI

I stare up at the face of the giant, nailed to the cavern wall several feet above my head. Who am I, I think... I don't know! I can't remember anything!

Then I panic. How could the robed figures not hear that giant voice; not notice him looking at me? I turn slowly, eyes darting side to side. But none of them have noticed. And I suddenly realize that when the giant spoke, his lips did not move.

He speaks again. You do not remember who you are, eh? Then let me show you.

I was... with my girlfriend, in a car. Driving. I was driving her to her house, to drop her off after a date. She asked when our next date would be. On a whim, I suggested a lunch date at an old office building that I drove by on the way to her house; it had always perplexed me, in perfect condition as it was yet never visited. She humored me, and agreed. As I dropped her off, and turned back to the car, she said goodbye... she said, "Goodbye, Roshan." That's it. That's who I am! More and more, the pieces are coming together.

The giant is still looking down at me. So, Roshan. You are not like these others. What are you doing here, in these caverns suspended from the flow of reality?

I wait for another memory, but none comes. Lacking that, I think as clearly as I can, I am a prisoner here. These robed men, or others like them, imprisoned me in rooms above this place. I climbed down here in an attempt to escape.

The giant sighs. That was a poor choice. This place is but a prison writ large.

I am curious. Of the giant, I ponder: What happened to you?

Many, many years ago, those of the robe did a terrible thing. They summoned a great daimone - a creature of tremendous strength, and greater malice. With horrible sacrifice, they bound it tightly, and set it to three tasks: The creation of this cavern, this bubble outside reality. My capture and, the giant attempts to gesture, but is prevented by the gigantic nails in hands, feet, and joints, imprisonment here. And then they took this daimone and locked it safely behind steel and ritual, while they decide what to do next. It has been a very long time since then, but they have not decided yet.

I am a little stunned by this gush of history. Clearly, the giant has been waiting a long time to talk to someone. I wonder to the giant, What have you done, for all this time?

The giant again fails to gesture. I think. Sometimes I try to transcend the constant pain of the nails, but then my captors prod the wounds so as to intensify it tenfold. Sometimes I try to transcend the constant gnawing of my stomache, but then my captors parade rich foods past me, sprinkling drops of water and crumbs into my mouth, and my hunger and thirst intensify tenfold. Sometimes I try to transcend my discontent with my captivity, but then my captors inflict some new indignity upon me, so as to intensify my discomfort tenfold. I look at the giant's current position, raising an eyebrow. There is nothing so uncomfortable, I have learned, that it cannot be made worse, the giant responds to my unspoken question.

Despite my fascination with the giant, I am at wits end. I am trapped in a cavern that is apparently outside reality, in the midst of robed figures who can conjure demons and who imprisoned me here in the first place, and I have no means of escape.

Suddenly, a shout comes from the corridor at the other end of this cavern. A robed figure is standing at the cavern's entrance, pointing behind him up the corridor. They have noticed my theft from the office. Once more I panic, but the giant advises, Wait, and every one of the robed figures runs (glides?) off at high speed, paying no attention to me. One of them turns its hood towards me for a moment, but again there is no repercussion. It is almost as if I am invisible. You are not, the giant comments, but these have spent so long in their fortress that they have forgotten the idea of 'danger' or 'the unfamiliar'.

I look around now, with the robed figures gone for a time. I spot a door, partially concealed by stalagmites, that I had missed before when I dared not look around. It is the door that those of the robe store their rich food and other instruments of my torment behind, the giant remarks helpfully. He is desperate for conversation.

An idea strikes me. Checking quickly to see if any more robed figures are about, I dash to the door, opening it quickly. Thankfully, it's unlocked. Within lies a veritable treasure chamber: gold, gems, stacks and stacks of money, both US and foreign. I stand gawping for a moment, and then rush in, looking for what brought me to this room in the first place. Distantly, I hear another shout; they must have discovered the damage I did in the bunk room as well. Time is running out.

Looking around, I see the poles used to prod the giant; they must be at least ten feet long, but they're thin and flexible, so as to be carried easily. I take each one in turn - five of them in all - and break them, snapping them into three or four pieces. Then I look around, hunting for the food that must be stored in here somewhere. Large iceboxes are lined along the walls; the first one I look at alone holds caviar, peacock, hamburgers and a dozen other things. I grab a platter of hamburgers, grab a pitcher of water I find in another icebox, and take a big, nice diamond, while I'm in the treasure room.

I walk quickly back to the giant, careful not to spill. I give him the food, and, with his mouth just above the platter I hold up, I am able to spill the hamburgers in. I do the same with the pitcher of water. I turn for a moment to look back at the corridor, and to my surprise and dismay, the robed figures are spilling out, moving towards me at high speed. It's hard to tell, but I'm willing to guess that they're not happy.

I turn back to the giant. I am no longer afflicted by hunger, or thirst. With you here to talk to, the greatest discomfort of my imprisonment is lifted. The normal pain of having twelve nails pinning me to a wall may be disregarded, the giant narrates as serenity fully supplants pain on his face. Then, as I watch, he lifts away from the wall - though the nails - and begins to ascend towards the cavern ceiling. The nails are still there - still in the wall - but the giant appears to have transcended those, too.

Behind me, the robed figures have slowed, their hoods pointing toward the giant. The giant himself pauses a moment in his ascent and looks towards me. The material world, which the daimone bound me to, no longer afflicts me - but it is yet your concern. To ease your way to enlightenment - and in gratitude - here is a gift that may ease your way. The giant reaches down impossibly far and hands me a small metal object - a sort of rod, with irregular grooves on all sides. This is a skeleton key. It will unlock anything in the realm of the robed ones. They gave it to me for safekeeping - thinking me the perfect guardian, imprisoned as I was. Use it wisely. Then he vanishes into the ceiling.

Stunned as I am, I'm dazed enough to forget about the robed ones - I mean, the robed figures, starting to close on me again now that the giant has so visibly indicated me as the culprit of his escape. Panicked, I look all around me, and dash towards the treasure room. The robed figures pursue me hotly.

I slam the door behind me, and the robed figures begin to hammer on it from outside, ramming it repeatedly. It's not a sturdy door - it's unlikely to hold for long. I think - what can I do, what can I do? I have scissors, tape, the skeleton key, the lockbox - the lockbox! Fumbling, I take it out of my robe, inserting the skeleton key into the lock as quickly as I can. The door is beginning to splinter. The lockbox opens. Inside is a small box. There's a metal switch on top - an open loop - with wires leading through two D batteries and a tiny jewel. My bafflement ends as the door crashes open, throwing me backwards. As the robed figures charge in, I close the switch.

The room vaporizes in a blaze of light.

What now?

a nikolas tale

A NICKOLAS

I am talking to a ghost

A mere hollow shell of his former self

Nikolas was a brave man

he slew beasts

Mythical beasts

But now

He lives

alone and old

in the fireplace

He smokes his cigars

He burns them up

and watches that ashes fall

on the ground

as his life fell before him

It all started in the year 2349

When the aef

ewg'wegwegwsasg'g'eg'erg'w'egw'gdsg'sd'we

attacked

Nikolas planet

A small, lovely planet

the kind you would grow tomatoes on

and start a small family

Nikolas lived there

With his spaceship

He was no match for their beams

of solid steel

they shot down on his wirld

he managed to escape in this shuttlepod

They pursued him for 9 days

And then Nikolas took cover in the sun

The radiation clogged their sensors

Until finally they gave up

But nikolas left his planet

and his cummerbunds

and He sought refuge in a

Dwelling of his wartime-comrade

And there he dwelt

Until one day

As he watched his last cigar dissapear into the ash-heap

He decided the time was ripe for the picking

Like a flower in bloom

He repaired his ships

a fleet once mighty and proud

Now weathered be torrential wars

But still firm and loyal

As the day they were wrought

He boarded them

With a small contingent

of old comrades, long begotten

and they launched into the abyss

until they saw the enemy's patrol ship

Yes, the very same one that had obliterated this planet

his cummerbund-planet

and he fired his telons

they easily and smoothly penetrated the weak hull

Of the enemy's long-obsolete

Shuttlecraft

And then

Yes!

Victory was had

And now Nikolas lives on a grand planet

With Two cummerbunds!

One for special occasions

and one for everyday use

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Sun's Grave

Once, long ago, a little boy named Sunya lived in a small village, by the shores of a great river. He was called Sun, for short. Sun was a brave boy, and he often wandered into the forest around his village, finding new things to see and new animals to meet.

One day, Sun got lost! He wandered for hours and hours, trying to find his way back to the village, but all he found was more trees. Sun got tired, and more tired, and more tired. Eventually, brave little Sun curled up by a really big tree and went to sleep.

When Sun woke up, he was very surprised! Right next to him was a little black-and-white horse. Sound asleep! Sun looked at the horse for a few second - then, when the horse showed no signs of doing anything interesting, Sun got bored. He decided to introduce himself! "Hello, little horse!" Sun said.

The horse snorted loudly, shook itself, and looked at Sun. "Hello there, small human. I see that the rest has done you well. I am Terrorspawn, last of a noble clan."

Sun didn't really understand what the horse was talking about, but Sun liked him anyway. He was sort of cute! "Hello, Ter-or-spawn! Do you know where my village is?" Sun asked the horse.

Terrorspawn shook his mane. "I'm sorry, small child. Time is short, and my mission is pressing. The Doomguard of Loch Inidrien are nearly to the Grave of Three Kings, and the Larch-Knights of the East are hard pressed at Bramble Pass. I have no time to take you to your village."

Sun thought and thought. He thought for nearly two minutes - which was a long time, for a little child like Sun! If Sun just asked Terrorspawn to tell him the way back to Sun's village, Sun might just get lost again! That wouldn't be good. But if Sun came with Terrorspawn, then the little horse could take Sun back once he had done whatever he needed to do - and Sun would get to have an adventure!

Sun looked at Terrorspawn. "Please, Terrorspawn, will you let me come along?" Terrorspawn mused the matter for a moment, and then knelt down to let Sun climb onto him. "We must be off now," Terrorspawn declared, already beginning to canter through the underbrush, "but there will be many dangerous things on the road ahead. If I tell you to do something, little human, you must do exactly that, no matter how strange it sounds. Do you understand?"

Sun agreed eagerly. Already Terrorspawn was galloping through the trees. Sun got sort of nervous for a little while - Sun and Terrorspawn were going faster than little Sun had ever gone before, and Sun was afraid! Once Sun got used to it, though, he had fun on his little horse, shooting through the great forest. He got comfortable enough that he even fell asleep for a little while!

When Sun woke up, Terrorspawn had galloped all the way through the forest. "Where are we now?", Sun asked Terrorspawn. "We're on the Plains of Asgaria, where a thousand armies have marched on the way to conquest and glory, and a hundred battles have left the ground ruined and pitted," Terrorspawn told little Sun. "Now hush - we musn't wake the grass snakes."

Just then, though, there was a great big rustling noise, and a grass snake reared up, just in front of Sun and Terrorspawn! It was pretty big - bigger than Sun or Terrorspawn! It was really shiny, too - the sun glittered off of all its tiny scales very prettily.

Terrorspawn had to stop suddenly when the snake appeared, and Sun fell off. It really hurt! Sun was kind of mad at the snake for making him fall off, so Sun just walked up to it and broke it! He felt kind of bad afterwards, but Terrorspawn still had to keep going, so Sun forgot all about it. In fact, silly little Sun fell asleep again!

The next time Sun woke up, they were in a really dark place. "Where are we now?", Sun asked Terrorspawn. "We are in the Caves of Nightmare, the only road straight enough and swift enough to take us to the Grave of Three Kings before the Lords of the North break the lines at Crossroads and reach the Grave before us."

Soon, Sun and Terrorspawn got to a part of the cave that had a really low roof! Sun had to get off. "Now," Terrorspawn advised little Sun, "while we travel between the Caves of Nightmare and the Road of Giants, you must be very careful not to touch any of the rocks, or lots of little bugs will come out and eat us!"

Sun agreed very solemnly, but inside he was curious. As they walked, Sun saw many interesting rocks, but he kept his promise to Terrorspawn, and didn't touch any of them. Not a one! When they were nearly to the end, though, Sun saw a rock that was just so shiny and smooth that Sun had to pick it up. When Sun did, lots of icky bugs came pouring out - from the walls and the ceiling and the floor! Terrorspawn galloped away, so all the bugs attacked little Sun. Silly bugs! Sun's skin was too thick! Sun stomped all the squishy bugs, and got back on Terrorspawn. Off they rode!

Finally, Terrorspawn came to a stop. Sun got off. "Where are we now?", Sun asked Terrorspawn. "We are at the Grave of Three Kings, where Lundgren, Vivacis and Sophitia are buried, along with the sacred artefacts they used to unify the once war-torn West," Terrorspawn told Sun. Sun asked Terrorspawn, "Who are those little men on the other side?" Terrorspawn solemnly responded, "Those are the Lords of the North and their minions, rebels against the order the Three Kings established, and against the order which I, as the last of the steeds of the Three Kings, am bound to protect. They seek to loot the artefacts, to further their rebellion. This I cannot abide."

One of the men on the other side of the grave called out to Terrorspawn. "Join us, o Sacred Mount! If you joined us, half of the Bramble Knights' forces would desert at once - this bloody war would be over at last! Your line could be replenished - a new peace secured!"

Terrorspawn looked very sad - at least, as sad as a horse can look. Slowly, he said, "Perhaps you are right; perhaps the Regents had grown too harsh. But I am bound by bonds stronger than steel; stronger than reason. I cannot allow this, as much as I wish to."

Then Terrrospawn did something very strange. He grew really big, and his sides got all shiny and metal! He even started breathing fire! He looked over towards Sun for a moment, and said to him "Close your eyes - there are some things that children, even those such as you, should not see."

Sun was a little confused, but he closed his eyes anyway. There were a lot of crashing noises for a while, and some screaming. That was really scary! Eventually, everything was quiet for a long while. Sun opened his eyes, and when he didn't see anything going on, wandered over towards the other side of the Grave.

Terrorspawn was lying there, on some really black ground. He was hurt pretty badly! Sun thought that he could see some of his insides, but he wasn't sure, and it was kind of gross, so Sun decided not to look. Terrorspawn spoke, in great pain. "Little one. I am sorry that I cannot take you back to your village. You can stay here, perhaps; there is ample food to scavenge, and many people who can be your friends. Perhaps, now that I have fallen, you can guard this place."

Sun was a little confused, but he felt kind of bad for Terrorspawn. "Can I help you? I mean - can I get you a healer, or someone?" Terrorspawn shook his head. "No. Just - step on me - once. That will suffice. Thank you." Sun did what Terrorspawn asked. Terrorspawn went crunch! Sun looked at him for a while, waiting for something to happen. Eventually, Sun got bored, and wandered off.

As time passed, Sun learned that everything Terrorspawn had said of the Grave of Three Kings was true. Little deer and rabbits were common, and lots of people would give him things - just for asking! Sometimes people would come to try to take things from the Grave, and Sun had to scare them away, but mostly things were peaceful. He lived happily ever after.

Sunday, June 10, 2007

Awakening V

I stand, my hunger sated, and walk towards the doorway of the bunk room. Though I'd stayed several minutes after I'd collapsed the bunk bed (eating my lunch), no-one appeared to investigate; yet there was a bag lunch in here. Someone must live here. Curious, I walk out the door, and look each way.

To the left, the corridor extends further, with open doorways leading off it. To the right, though... I take a step backwards in shock. The rough stone covering of the bunk room and corridor opens up into a vast cavern, easily several hundred yards in length and height, and at least a hundred yards wide. Yellow crystals in the ceiling, walls and floor glow faintly to give the cavern an eerie yellow light. At the other end of the cavern, watched by robed figures (!), a gigantic man easily as tall as the cavern hangs - no - is nailed to the wall! He wears nothing more than a simple loincloth.

He's completely impossible, of course. No one that tall could live. His heart would be unable to pump blood. His muscles couldn't support the least part of his weight. His organs would collapse onto themselves.

But... given the gigantic pulsing heart through which I climbed to get down here, this may not be the best time to question the physical plausibility of the giant - especially with the possiblilty that one of those robed figures might glance my way at any moment, and - assuming that these are indeed my captors - decide to put me back into a somewhat more secure cell.

I duck back into the bunk room, breathing fast. I look at myself. Somewhere in my series of falls and exploration, I've lost my robe. No way I can pass for one of those guys in jeans. I look towards the other leg of the corridor. Time to take a little risk.

The first few rooms appear to be conference rooms - they have blackboards, but they're unused. Not even chairs! After that is a dining hall - I think I see someone in there, so I pass by quickly and quietly - and then an office. Jackpot. I walk in and rifle through the papers. No computers, no fax machine, nothing more advanced than a typewriter. The papers I skim aren't too interesting - financial stuff. I think there's a lot of money moving through here, but I'm not certain - I'm no CFA.

Other loot on the desk - scissors (which I grab), scotch tape (which I consider but reject), and a paper cutter (no.). Also - a clock on the wall! It's two o' clock, by its mark. Good to know. I look around a little further, but there's no calendar. A shame.

At the end of the corridor is a gigantic, black iron door. Rivets on the side, a big wheel in the middle... a real vault. I try the wheel, hoping, but it's locked somehow. Somehow I doubt that this will succumb to a bash from my lockbox.

I stand at the end of the corridor and consider my options. I have my clothes, a nearly-depleted roll of duct tape, a dented lockbox (locked), scissors and a full stomach. And no robe. A robe... as before, memory flashes into my conciousness. I'm looking at the giant heart, my girlfriend next to me. Robed figures sweep into the room, seeming almost to hover above the floor in the dim lighting. My girlfriend and I huddle back, and I try to gesture them back... and the memory fragment ends. AGAIN. I don't even bother examining it further.

Just in case, I check in the office again. There's a closet - I opened it before and, seeing only paper clips and paper sheaves, closed it again. Now, I go through it more thoroughly, alert for any sound of someone coming up behind me. Buried beneath the supplies is a musty-looking robe. I take and don it, and stride out into the corridor to test its fit. Whoever owned this isn't my size, but robes are shapeless enough that it doesn't even matter.

Now properly robed, I take a minute in the corner to gather my courage, and then stride out into the cavern. In rather an anticlimax, not one of the robed figures even bothers to spare a second glance at me. As I walk, I try to keep my curious stares to a minimum, but the wonder of the cavern is (I fear) nearly enough to undo my disguise.

Finally, I reach the giant figure. He is nailed to the wall in a sort of sitting pose, bleeding from the nails in both hands and feet, with that strange expression in his face - a sort of combination of pain and serenity.

He opens his eyes.

You are new. Who are you, little one? his voice booms in my ears.

WHAT?

Of the Battle between Men and Other People

Yea, was the Freya's Day a great day in the chronicles of men; shall it be remembered for ages to come, as it was prophesyed from ages before.

Yea, was it filled by men and women of all sorts, and animated at all stages with an unnatural vigour.

Yea, was it productive to the extreme, such that fully half of the great Movie was filmed within its bowels.

Yea, was it glorious in the entertainment, with such spectacles as the magnificent Star-Craft, Super Smash Brothers MELEEE, and Stinkoman populating its halls with wonders such as were rarely seen before or since.

Yea, was it a thing celebrating an event long-celebrated, the ende of the School-Year, such that a silent shout of joy did fill every hall throughout.

Nevermore shall glory be seen, till this day come again in the next-year. Let all praise its name!

League-Party 2007: We salute you!

The Battles

Nijkolas storie based on

webcomick debacle

Nikolas is postie webkomick it is very strange.
Who vote to remove this carbunckle

Saturday, June 09, 2007

To a Womon

Oh! Howe mine hearte and mine stomache dost churne in thine presence
or if thou be in the realm of mine Minde, in thought, mannere, speeeche, presence,
or a vision of thine Glourie, yea, it be that 実, frome that Greate tyme of our
出会った時から, it be grande, and most wholesome, and if 僕の胸 swells with
Joye, and passioune, and grace, and Admiration, it be Goode. Yea, it be indeed
사랑, and it feeleth upon the greateness of the 세상, and it resonateth in my spirite,
and all mannere of evile thoughtes are dispelleth, and nothing dominateh the mynde
but to say: ET IN AGRO TE AMO.

An Introduction to a Story

I was supposed to write a story, but my creative juices weren't flowing. So I ended up writing a lame introduction to one. Feel free to use it, if you find introductions to be good creative prompts.

A young boy went out for a walk in the woods.
He was an adventurous one!
Always looking for new things to see and do.
One day, he encountered a large stone.
He looked at it from all sides.
It seemed to be a fairly normal stone.
It was only remarkable in its size.
Given this, he decided that it might be fun to climb it.
He would be able to see a large amount of the woods from atop it!
So he looked for a way up.
It was a fairly round stone, so he couldn't climb it straight up.
He would need to use some other means of ascension.
He looked around.
He finally decided that he would use a tree next to it to make his climb.
So he did.
And he reached the top!
And he didn't really find anything there.
But from this vantage point, he could, indeed, see a large amount of the forest.
He looked, and he saw…
[TO BE CONTINUED]

Friday, June 08, 2007

An illustration of NIUKLASO

A tale of NIUKLASO

Nikolas was in the astoe in the hat
When he suddenly notices
a gigant lavish a
and he swing it full at
one
opresso
gaté
hE wAS vERY tIRED

Tau Ceti

On March 3rd, 2241, the colony on Europa was attacked and swiftly destroyed by alien forces of unknown origin. Colonial military forces mobilized quickly, and the next attack was defeated. However, over the next five years, a barrage of other attacks followed; pseudo-mammalian hiveminds, nanotechnological warmachines, animate vegetation and a single, colossal worldship attacked. Each were destroyed, but at great cost. Half of humanity's colonies were utterly obliterated. Hundreds of millions had died. The surviving nations found their navies left in ruins, and were forced to band together in the so-called Sol Defense League. In 2247, when it was clear that the waves of enemies had ceased - for the moment, at least - the leaders of the Sol Defense League began planning a retaliatory expedition, to attempt to destroy the source or sources of the attacks. The wrecks of the alien attackers were dissected down to the molecular level; recordings were analyzed in an attempt to backtrack their courses. At last, on March 3rd, 2251, the first of the seven Protector-class extrasolar warvessels was launched. Their mission: to find and exterminate the enemy at the root. Earth must be kept safe.

This is their story.

-

Captain Savidya Mair opened her eyes as the Retaliation entered the Tau Ceti system. She groaned, slowly waking up as the ship ceased deacceleration. Above her face, as the computer noticed her waking, screens descended from the ceiling and began to present a hemispherical view of the system, tagged with continuously updating notes on likely areas of interest.

After satisfying herself that the ship would refrain from major manuevering for the moment, Savidya unstrapped herself from her acceleration couch and walked over to her shower. Along the wall of her room, as she walked, a line of screens on each side continuously scrolled to give her up-to-the second information on the Retaliation's surroundings and internal status. Savidya, though still somewhat groggy, manipulated the screens as she passed, focusing the computer on the most important areas. The shower sprayed her with water briefly, and as she cleaned herself and dressed, she continued to manipulate the ubiquitous computing environment, watching closely for any sign of danger or alien attack.

Taking a short intraship tram ride to the mess hall, Captain Savidya could feel the ship awakening around her. Status reports began to pop up from others of the twenty-six crewmembers, and the continual hum of the ship's mechanics grew louder as life support stepped up to compensate for the increased demand. Savidya ate a breakfast of cold rice and greens - the ship's cook not yet on duty - as the Retaliation and its two sister vessels, the Castigation and the Retribution, moved steadily insystem.

Suddenly, a realtime video from the head of the Retribution's signal analysis department appeared in Savidya's display. The analyst said quickly, "Sorry to bother you, Captain Savidya, Captain Zhang, Captain Song, it's just - at 119 by 48 by 35 relative, there's something there that shouldn't be - I mean - they're here, in this system. And they're moving." Savidya's screen zoomed obediently to focus on the specified area of space, showing a blurry, slowly moving set of golden specks.

Captain Savidya paused in her meal. "Are they ships?", she asked. The analyst's head moved back and forth, trying to respond to all three captains at once. "Yes - no - Yes, we think they're the drive trails, of the ships, I mean. They're moving right towards us. And they're accelerating."

Savidya rose swiftly, taking the time to toss her meal into the recycler. Over the intra-fleet message system, she called out "All hands to acceleration couches - all hands to acceleration couches. We have a possible alien encounter, code 9-G. Remember, things might help us find the monsters that attacked Sol, so we don't shoot unless shot at -"

Savidya was interrupted by the Retaliation's computer, automatically reporting "Abnormal levels of high-energy particles detected. Possible source - enemy weapons discharge. Begin evasive manuevers?"

Savidya opened her mouth to respond.

The intership channel was suddenly filled with earsplitting static, and then just as suddenly fell silent.

Half a kilometre away, the Castigation's 'forward' end glowed ruby, and then the entire ship burst apart in a burst of soundless flame. Secondary detonations turned the entire ship into a field of accelerating shrapnel, as communication between the Retaliation and the Retribution was completely blocked.

Eight hundred thousand kilometres away, the golden specks grew several times longer as the alien vessels began to move away from each other.

Captain Savidya called out orders swiftly. "Engines! Evasive manuevers! Three gees!" As the ship's engines began to spew forth fire and Savidya's ribs seemed to compress, she continued, "Guns! All lasers, power and fire by pairs, two to a target! Continual fire until target is destroyed! Don't forget to compensate for lightspeed lag!" The lights dimmed, and the Retaliation grew quieter and colder. "Communications! Use available power to try to contact the Retribution and coordinate operations!" The lights went out altogether, leaving only the omnipresent displays to provide any illumination. "Ship! Seal all bulkheads in case of breach!" A great crash echoed throughout the ship - and then silence.

Captain Savidya watched the battle, in the dark and silent ship, tied down in a lonely acceleration couch. Silently, the battle continued, across a distance so vast as to boggle the imagination. One golden speck of light flickered out; and then another. The Retribution, contacted through the thinning field of debris that had been the Castigation and its thirty-eight crewmembers, began to coordinate its fire with the Retribution's laser banks. Another speck went out. Then a great echoing scream of metal echoed through the ship, and a glowing hole two centimetres wide and a metre from Captain Savidya's head was all that was left to show a glancing hit on the Retaliation.

A slow whooshing noise grew, becoming a sucking wail as Savidya fumbled to untie herself with three gees of weight still pressing her down. Seeking about under the acceleration couch, she found the standard issue breach-sealant can - empty. Used for training exercises. Looking around desperately as the sound of air escaping grew ever louder, Savidya spotted a loose display panel, and - pressed down to the floor by the ship's manuevering - tore it off the wall and threw it on the hole. The banshee wail diminished to a slight hiss, and then vanished altogether as the hull nanites sealed the display panel to the hole.

The battle continued. The Protector-class vessels' laser fire, augmented in accuracy by alien-derived aiming mechanisms, snuffed out enemy ship after ship. The engines, powered by alien reactors, moved the Sol Defense Force vessels too swiftly and too unpredictably to suffer any worse than glancing hits, while alien-forged armour prevented serious damage from anything but the concentrated fire that destroyed the Castigation. One by one, the golden specks dwindled. Then there were none.

Captain Savidya asked of the signal analysis departments on both ships, "Do we know where those ships came from?"

After a moment to think, the Retaliation's head analyst answered "We're not certain, but we think that they came from the first planet from the sun - Tau Ceti I, that is. There are signs of industrial activity, high levels of thermal radiation, that sort of thing. If the aliens are anything like us, there could be anywhere from a hundred million to ten billion of them living there."

Captain Savidya Mair thought a moment, sitting on her acceleration couch. Then she decided.

"All hands, stand down. There will be three hours of relaxation time, then we accelerate towards the remains of the enemy ships to scavenge them for data. Then - then, we find some nice asteroids and push them towards the alien planet until it's as cratered as Mars!"

The crew cheered.

Thursday, June 07, 2007

another nikolas

Awakening, Part IV

I descend, into the blackness of the gigantic beating heart. To my surprise, unlike the organic exterior, the inside of the heart is a vertical shaft, with a ladder leading downwards. It is as though I entered a different reality entirely as I climbed, as the air grows warm and my stomach gurgles.

Wait. When was the last time I ate? Since my awakening, I don't recall any food... and I remember something else. Before I'd awakened, or seen the beating heart. I was eating a burrito outside an office building, waiting for my girlfriend to arrive... again, I can only remember the fragment, however hard I try to recall the context. I sigh and continue climbing down, regretting thinking of my hunger - now I'm thirsty, too!

After several minutes, I reach the bottom. Beneath me is what appears to be sleeping quarters, with several bunk beds about the room - after a fifteen foot drop. I'd survive the drop, but I'd suffer a number of sprains, at least.

What can I do instead? I still have the lock-box and duct tape, tucked under my arm as I climbed. After a moment, a notion comes to me. I wrap the duct tape around the metal box once, and let it reel out, dropping about ten feet. (I don't have much duct tape left at this point.) Carefully, I swing it until it lodges under the top of the closest the bunk bed and tug gently towards me, pulling until it rests beneath me. The box comes loose several times, and I must re-seat it on each occasion.

Gritting my teeth, I let go and fall. The bed holds for a moment, the cushion on the top preventing anything worse than bruises, and then I hear snapping noises as the top buckles. Once more, I'm covered in dust and splinters, but I've survived. Nothing seems to be responding to the noise.

I get up, wincing as my leg twinges - how many falls am I going to have to suffer today? - and look around. Unlike the upper area, this room is walled with unfinished, dark stone. There's an open door leading out, but I'm more interested in the wooden chests at the foot of every bed. Rifling through them, I snag $10.27 (at least I'm probably still in the United States, wherever I am) and a bagged lunch - a turkey (?) sandwich and bottle of orange juice. I hesitate for a moment - after seeing that beating heart, I'm a little nervous about EATING anything here - but my hunger is too great.

The lunch is quickly finished. I look towards the doorway. Where now?

You thought they were gone, but they're back!

1 Why did the ghost buy a sports car?

2 What do you ask a boy skating of thin ice?

3 What do you call a really bad cat?

4 What do you get when a tootsie roll explodes?

5 What did the grizzly sing in the choir?

6 How do you make the number one disappear?

7 Did you hear about the artists who held a competition?

8 What are Egyptian back doctors called?

9 Did you hear what happened with the butter?

10 What's a glue-lover's favourite snack?

Answers in comments

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Nicholas, Bringer of Hope: an Illustration

Here's an illustration for this story.

nikolasas

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

a go

NIKOLAS
was a staunch

defender

of the royal navy
and he would always go
and fight
for glory
and justice honour fidelity

and he lived

in times of strife

and heavy combat

and he did go in to the field
armed
he shone of might
and glory
his overalls gleaming
white
and clean
soon to be blood stained
and
with his sword
and his saber
and his musket
but not only his weapons
his greatest was

with bravery and valour

unmatched

and then they came

the hellfire came down

on him

thousands at a time

they went through his flesh

but the never

never surrendered

perserverd

until his body disintegrated

but his spirit sill fought on

and so

it ended

and nikolas

was forever

a legend

Achewood

Achewood.

Basic facts sheet: started October 1st, 2001, updates 3-5 times a week, created by Chris Onstad in black-and-white... eh, you can get all of this from Wikipedia. That's not the point.

The point is Achewood. The thing is, it's a strange comic. The humour is frequently surreal, the characters are very strange... it's an odd comic. But if you can work through that, then there are some very creative storylines and quite a number of real characters waiting for you, being cool and snazzy and all.

The first strip is here; I'd recommend against reading backwards, as the storylines are pretty important. (Unlike, say, Penny Arcade.)

Tristan Tzara Jokes

1. So Tristan Tzara walks into the kitchen and then he picks up the kinfe and cuts the table in half!

2. Then, he was riding his bicycle, and then he was tired so he sat down!

3. Later, he goes into the cafe, and orders a toilet seat!

4. Then, after he was walking down the street, and then he did nothing!

5. Finally, we asked he was cool? And he say DADA!

Revenge

Sunday, June 03, 2007

Fivetowns

Aldera arrived by ship in the fall, to Greenford. Her reasons for traveling to Fivetowns are ever unknown - perhaps some enemy from wherever she came, or a wanderlust, an urge for exploration. It is unimportant.

Greenford was the largest of the five towns; its harbour the most spacious, its arable land the largest in extent. It was similar to the rest of Fivetowns; as with Oak, Jefferson, and Crossroads, it was a town centred around agriculture, shipping food to lands worse provided for. Portal was rather different, but that is a subject from another time.

In many respects, then, Fivetowns was a simple and admirable place to live, as Aldera swiftly found. Its climate was, and is, pleasant and moderate, its arable land common, rich and fertile, its harbors spacious and numerous. But there were oddities about Fivetowns. You see, all of Fivetowns is fairly small. From the furthest fields of any Greenford, one could just see the corresponding farmland of Jefferson; the same of Oak and Jefferson, Crossroads and Portal, and so forth, arranged in a very rough pentagon. But their identities as separate towns were quite clear, because travel between any one of Fivetowns to another was only possible by ship.

The Badlands stretched between each town, connecting in the centre of Fivetowns to form a great Wasteland. Only the most bravest or foolish of men would travel through the Badlands, as they were filled with hideous beasts, of nature ferocious and hateful. That Aldera did so, not once but twice, was nothing short of remarkable. The Badlands had been kept under guard for generations - though Fivetowns was ruled by one empire or another, as nations rose and fell, always the Badlands were kept under close watch, and the men who fell defending Fivetowns from the monstrosities within are too many to count. Those who ruled Fivetowns have tried, every few generations, to purge the Badlands of the horrors within, but all attempts ended in bloody failure. And, ominously, they were ever expanding. The growth was slow - perhaps only a single foot in a year, perhaps less - but, if the expansion persisted, the people of Fivetowns would one day be pushed into the sea.

Aldera saw this, either with her own eyes or through speaking with natives of Fivetowns. And she came up with a plan. She persuaded the governor of Fivetowns to try a new scheme. Mages were hired in great numbers, engineers imported from abroad, soldiers brought in with nearly half-a-dozen troop ships. Aldera led them all into the Badlands, where her plot began to unfold. Engineers, protected by the soldiers and assisted by the magi, covered the Badlands in concrete, sealing the caverns from which the monsters emerged. Steadily and slowly, the entire Wasteland was emptied, rendered toothless. The magi enspelled the concrete, sealing it until the end of days. And Aldera led them all, slaying the worst of the beasts which emerged, and inspiring the entire force to new heights.

When the job was done, Aldera was a hero. She was offered great acclaim and much wealth from the grateful populace. Already, Fivetowns was beginning to fuse into one community, with the great obstacle of the Badlands finally removed. Aldera bowed very politely as she was given awards, accepted wealth as her right... and ever more, her eyes turned towards Portal.

Portal was the anomaly of Fivetowns. Unlike the others, surrounded by rich farmland, Portal was almost immediately surrounded with the harsh terrain of the Barrens, held at disproportionate costs in human life from the frequent attacks of monstrosities. The only reason that Portal existed at all was to service those who ventured into the great underground fortress in the centre of Portal. The fortress, the name and purpose of which were long forgotten, held great wealth deep within - as well as great danger, with strata of monsters within growing ever more powerful as one descended down the levels. It was thought to be a mile or more deep, though none had descended so far and lived.

Despite the danger, bravoes and heroes and more continually sought their fortunes within - sometimes finding it, other times finding only death. And Aldera sought that fortune. She had proven herself as a warrior in the Sealing of the Waste, and one day - knowing the danger, but seemingly unable to control herself - she walked to Portal, and entered the fortress.

She has never been seen again, to this day.

But Aldera was a warrior without par, even among the heroes who dared enter the fortress. She did the impossible - sealed the endless Badlands. Perhaps she survived.

Perhaps she won.

A Mormon Named Desmond

There once was a Mormon named Desmond
He lived an adventurous life
Free of the problems that stress would
Inflict upon committing strife

For he was an honorable Mormon
He was moral in every way
But there were those who sang songs that floored him
As they tried to lead him astray

And astray he went, for he empathized
With their sorrowful accusations
And he tried to stop them from emitting cries
By reversing his very own creation

He ended his life for the happiness
Of people, fools and rebels alike
But those adept in intelligence
Said that his would be the last strike

Against Mormonic values being spread
And they taught the fools and the rebels
That such actions in the future they should dread
To avoid being attacked with pebbles

And the vice-spreaders finally learned
That their ways were not to be encouraged
And a new leaf had been overturned
And the Modern Saint's funeral was flourished

And given decorations galore
And adorned with blues, reds, and yellows
And the knowledge to be learned was implored
That he was a jolly good fellow!

Saturday, June 02, 2007

Awakening, Part III

I rise, scraping the dust off. I am still holding my duct tape; the only other things I have on me are my clothes. The corridor stretches out to either side of me, similar black doors spaced three metres apart. The air is cold, smelling faintly of mold, probably from the air vent that had just collapsed. The only sounds I can hear are my own heartbeat, and a faint thumping noise to my right.

The doors are nearly featureless. They seem to be made of black-painted wood, but they are as solid as iron when I test them. I suppose that it was one of these doors that I'd been imprisoned behind. Rapping on several produces no answer. Lacking any better option, I walk toward the right.

The corridor makes a sharp turn after about a hundred metres and what must be nearly sixty of those doors. Walking past it, I see the source of the thumping: a gigantic, beating heart, suspended in midair. Pulsating veins suspend it from the ceiling. Something small stands near it; by the time I take my eyes off the heart, it had scurries away, the door it exited from slamming behind it.

Suddenly, I remember. I've seen one of those hearts before. I had been... somewhere - a darkened building. My girlfriend was with me. We'd found a heart - just like this one - beating in a room in the centre of the building... that was all I could remember. Though I try, I could not remember what happened before or after that moment. I turn my thoughts back to the present moment.

The beating heart floats in a diamond-shaped room; shabby, lit by flickering yellow light (and just where is that light coming from, anyway?). There are three entrances, not counting the one I came in from. Two are closed and locked. The last proves to be, upon examination, a closet. Beneath mops and cleaning solutions, a metal box is hidden; about the size of a shoebox. It proves locked shut, as with most of this complex, but I take it just in case. I'd already found use for one lump of metal, I recall.

The heart hangs there, pulsing loudly. It is moist to the touch. I decide not to touch it again if possible.

I stand there, thinking about my situation and my options. I have a roll of duct tape, a locked metal box, and a great deal of cleaning equipment. Also, a living heart the size of a horse. I consider the heart further. It is rather bumpy; I decide that, to my distaste, I might climb it. I quickly remove my socks, put them on my hands, and begin to climb. After a few false starts, I ascend to the top of the heart. To my surprise, a trapdoor is embedded within the heart.

It is locked.

I smashe it in with the lock-box, return to the closet, wedge the trapdoor open with a broken mop handle, and climb into the darkness within.

Friday, June 01, 2007

Nikolas brother

니콜라스 little brother recent boon inspire story told biblical fashion

sing a song
of you brother's wild exploits
did he sow his seeds
did he take a wife and know her, and did they bear many children, and were blessed, and lived in the land of milk and honey
and the nikolas saw this and saw that it was good
and then the nikolas said, let there be you brother and his wife and may they be prostitute, and strange women, and nikolas saw this and it was good and there was penis
and on the seventh day, nikolas rested, and he did say unto man, go forth and consort with strange women, and know them, and bore children, and it was good
Interesting.
Blag it.
and nikolas saw this was good and he did saith unto man to be forever blessed, and to have good lucks with the hot women, and it was good
and then the prophet devon saw this and he did pray unto the nikolas, to give him much lucks in the world of the women and behold, there was lucks in the women
and on the eighth day, the womens and the prostitutes were angry, and upset, and refused to know the men by laying with them
and the nikolas saw this and he was upset
and he did saith, let there be a great flood, that shalt castrateth the good mens and womens, and forever allow them to have the good ways of love
and the nikolas saw this as good, and it was good.

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