The great letter

Once there was a paper, in a house, a kessler-house, and it was as white as the blizzards that come in the winter-time, and pure ass snow, and it was ten furlongs wide, and twenty deep, by the by, and it was as crisp and soft as the bark of a sapling. And there was on the same continent, five thousand leagues away, in the forests of siberia, a womon, who was pleasant, and fair, and good, and wholesome, and pure, and rambunctious, and the men of the house of Kessler did desire to have her, and to know her by laying with her. However, she, being the wife of another man, who was the prince of the caspian, and who commanded an army that was four-thousand men strong, and the house of Kessler having an army of but three hundred men, thus he was not able to mount an attack. Thus the men of the house of the kessler did take upon the great paper, which was a national treasure, in the hopes of persuading the womon through the delicate persuasion of the written word. Thus they took the greatest scribes from the counties, and the provinces, and the letter-composers, and they composed a great treatise that was long, and florid, and verbose, and perfunctory, and pernicious, and it was good. 

And when the treatise was written, and artfully folded, such that it was compact, and ready to be posted by the continental post, and thus it was transported by the mule-cart to the depot of the central Nikolas station, whereupon the taskmaster Nikolas sat at his booth. And the men of the house of Kessler said to the Nikolas, "O ye who is wise, and well versed in worldly matters, o, ye who hast hitteth upon the womon of the forest, who hast stroked the flesh of the maidens in the garden, who hast lickt the tender features of the sylphs and the nymphs, deliver unto us, thine humble slave, thusly, the proper way and addresses and the post-protocols, such that we may thusly attempt to lick her fancy as well, in the manner of gentlemen." And the Nikolas was moved, yea, he did deliver unto the letter his seal of approval, and he fashioned a pouch of the hide of a goat, such that the letter may be folded unto it, and he marked the outside of the pouch with seal of the house of Nikolas, such that it be premium post, and he sealed it with wax seal, and it was good.

And the men of the house of the kessler departed, and they drove the mule-cart to the station to be posted, yet they were cowards, and they could not post it, for they were fearful of the womon, and her husband, and his armies. So the men retired to their bunker, played cards, smoked cigarettes, drank whiskey, and retired to the bedchambres.